I love you, but leave me alone

A few weekends ago, I was burnt out as burnt out could be. My kid had been a toddler terror with random screaming and crying outbursts (because….) she was going to sleep two hours after bedtime but waking at the same time, fighting naps - if they were taken at all - I could go on, but it’s making me grind my teeth even thinking about it so I won’t.

Anyways, Thursday day I text my husband kindly letting him know I planned to spend sun up until sun down at the Walker’s Bluff Casino Resort pool. He was in charge of toddler terror, and I didn’t care what they did for the day because as far as they knew, I was in the pool.

I love laying by a pool, reading, sleeping. It’s something I haven’t done in probably 5 years, because I only used to really do it on family vacations, and my last family vacation - the last time my family was an actual family - was in 2017. So I was really wanting to be alone to experience this, but to also reminisce on my family vacations of the past, and work through my sadness. I even text my ex-stepdad while poolside to let him know about the resort, and that I was able to read poolside with ease here (something he and I always did during vacations, which drove my adventure-seeking mother nuts).

So Saturday came, and as I was getting ready my husband not-so-subtly dropped hints he wanted to come too, and of course bring the baby. Dearest Not-so-gentle Readers, the turmoil I felt. I never want to reject spending time with my husband, especially my husband and daughter. And he was right, my daughter would have a blast in the walk-in area of the pool. BUT I WANTED TO BE ALONE. I did not want to hear toddler scream noises. I did not want to have to keep an eye on her, worry about dry drowning, entertain her so my husband could enjoy himself, entertain my husband, keep an eye on the time to change her diaper and feed her, etc. etc. In short - I just wanted a few hours to not be a Mom and Wife. To be just Jessi, alone, not talking to anyone.

But the reality is, I’m not just Jessi anymore, and I gave up that life when I vowed to be the other half to my husband, and then gave my daughter life. And I love my family. My husband works 12 hour days, with a 2-hour round trip commute in there. He sees us as a family 3 hours a day before both he and our daughter go to bed before the sun. Weekends are the only time we get to all be together. So I definitely felt guilty giving up this precious time together to go do something leisurely by myself AND leave him holding all of the parenting stick. But dang, I needed a break.

I think he sensed the hesitation in my voice when I told him to come along, and he was a bit put off by the price - $60 for three of us to swim all day, when we don’t know for sure how the toddler is going to react to it is kind of steep. So he said “No, you need this time go do your thing and we will be here when you get back. Maybe we will go this afternoon after lunch.” And that was all I needed to grab my keys and hit the road. 9am, poolside, yes.

I cannot imagine a more glamorous feeling experience for a trapped-at-home…sorry I mean stay-at-home mom than going to this resort’s pool by themselves. It is gorgeous. There is no music at the outdoor pool, only the inside one, and so the silence was much appreciated. Just sounds of nature and the bubbling of the fountain in the pool. The hot tub is the size of a small pool itself! But it was too warm for that.

The pool is one where you walk in, like a beach, and is only five feet deep. Over half of it is 3 feet deep or less. Meaning there were areas I could sit and lean back along the pool but still be submerged. Absolutely perfect.

The Lounge poolside offered drinks and food delivered right to your chair. The white sangria slushie was so good, you could taste no alcohol in it and it was served in a metal cup so it stayed cold. The sandwich I got was some kind of french dip or maybe cheesesteak, I don’t remember. I just know there was lots of delicious meat and cheese. The fries were the crispy tempura-type batter I love.

Around high noon when my UV monitor said it was at it’s highest for the day, I decided to go back home for a nap. My wristband allowed me to come and go until midnight. After my nap, it started to rain, so I stayed at home for a bit. After gushing over the place, my husband decided maybe we should do a spontaneous overnight stay as a family at the resort. This would enable us to use the pool for the rest of the day into the night with ease, and then get a bit of pool time in the morning.

Even though I had planned to spend the day to myself, I had missed my family. It’s hard, this need to be alone but longing for my family, and I can’t really explain it. I’m driving myself crazy with not allowing myself personal space, but I want to be with them because it’s my instincts. So, I agreed we could stay the night but with the expectation my husband would watch the toddler around the pool.

Well, turns out my kid wasn’t interested in the pool unless she could try to drink the pool water. Instead, she wanted to run and play on the stage set up beside the pool for entertainment on the weekends. I know she is a star in her heart, but it gets to be ridiculous sometimes when we want to give her new experiences and she gets stuck on the stage, a camera, instruments. Hopefully she’ll remember us when she is a big star.

So we wouldn’t recommend taking a toddler to stay just because it’s a casino, and you can’t go gamble with a toddler. And we wanted to hit the floor together, so taking turns with her while she slept really wasn’t an option. Because she is used to her own crib and we did not request one nor bring the pack and play, she ended up in the king bed with us and did not go down easy. It was not a great night of sleep, and she was fussy as all get out the next morning at breakfast.

But overall, a good experience with my husband because…and this is bad…sometimes I need him to understand how challenging our child can be. We have an amazing toddler by all standards; cheerful, independent play only, communicates needs for the most part, so sweet. But she is a toddler. She cannot always communicate and does not know how to process feelings. There is a lot of loud cries when she does not get her way or does not know how to communicate. She is a lot to wrangle - she runs, she runs fast. There are lots of little nuances in taking care of a toddler that someone who does not do it day in and day out would know. So as messed up as it is, I was kind of glad she gave him a hard time occasionally that weekend.

Anyways, overall I’m just like anyone else - I don’t know what I want, but I know if I don’t get it I get sad. I need time alone, but I want to be around others because I get lonely. I love my family but need time to retreat and find myself. People call it balance, I don’t know if I’ll ever find the perfect one. But I’m getting there, and I hope you do too.